The Bachelor

Alright people – BIG NEWS HERE…I have decided to do a Bachelor recap!

“Here’s Liz Lemonnnnn!”

Ok, back to the point. I have decided that since my opinion is superior (and clearly right) that it entitles me to blog about the newest season of the Bachelor with hopeless abandon and shameless scrutiny.

Hey – they signed up for it, not me.

Anyway, I know that I have already missed the introductory episodes, but who needs to talk about those gals anyway? First things first, let’s review the dude. Jason Mesnick, father to Ty (age 3), resident of Seattle, and hopeless romantic (read: kinda wimpy). You might know Jason as the sensitive runner-up that professed his love to DeAnna, only to be let go at the very end. Sidenote: Jason, you’re better off for this.

Moving on. Chris Harrison is back to his old tricks of boldly tapping his glass and clarifying that it is, in fact, the final rose. I always get so confused so I love that part. Anyway, back to the task at hand, the remaining ladies:

· Stephanie – Precious Stephanie is a 35 year old mother of Sophia and widower. The girls in my apartment kind of love her but we think she’s destined for something more. Jason keeps her this episode and surprises her with her daughter on the next one, I think he cries…shocker.

· Melissa – Melissa is a former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and recent recipient of the whitest teeth in the world. I say this not as a criticism but out of pure amazement. Regardless, I think that she’ll take it all…stay tuned.

· Jillian – Jillian is an interior designer from Canada. We kind of like her but think she needs to ease up on the “guy’s girl” persona. Everyone knows that that’s a tough act to keep up. Outside of the hot dog “theory” (that we wish she’d can), we love her outfits and want her to stick around.

· Molly – Well, I just had to google Molly. As in, there hasn’t been much elaboration. Molly took the bull by the horns on this past episode and showed Jason one of her “talents.” Bold move my friend…not my personal tactic but I’m sure he’ll love it.

· Erica – Ugh, Erica. I had a bad vibe about that girl from the start. Let’s just say that she’s “rough tough, real stuff” and kind of scares me. Neeeeext.

· Megan – Megan is a lacrosse coach and mother of two boys. She really can’t get past that one common denominator with Jason and really, it’s just getting old. Plus, she was the one voted off by her fellow castmates in the first episode, can you say awkward?

· Natalie – Natalie is the overly-tan blonde from the Midwest. Her qualification for being fit as a mother is “I have a nephew.” News flash 25 year old Natalie, that does NOT make you ready for a child.

· Nikki – So Nikki is a former pageant queen. She’s a little bit on the serious side but seems altogether normal. Sometimes I think she’s just a big buzzkill but Jason seems to like her. One red flag is that she said she’s kissed the same guy for the past 11 years…is it just me or does that necessitate a wedding ring? I mean, wow.

· Kari – Kari is a sweet girl from the Midwest. There has been little to no focus on her, however, the girls and I did notice the hideous tan lines that she will be sporting from her chosen swimsuit. It had a really complex criss-cross in the front that I can only imagine took her three different tries to get her head in the right hole. Those are the unglamorous parts the never show which is just too bad.

· Lauren – Lauren is a government teacher from Florida. While spacey, I kind of like her. She has some trouble with not being the only object of Jason’s eye which could lead to trouble. He is on a dating show, after all. Something tells me that she’s going to buckle under the pressure. Also, if you ever have trouble finding her…just look for the floral gown.

· Naomi – Naomi is an Eva Mendes knock-off. She was just dying to get a kiss in this past episode and that just bothers me. There is such a thing as “hard to get” and being the fourth girl to kiss a guy in the same night just isn’t it. While I do envy her skin tone, I think she’s out.

· Shannon – Ohhhh Shannon. Well, I don’t really know where to begin on this one. Shannon is a dental hygienist and blatant psychopath. Unfortunately for her, I don’t think she realizes how she’s being portrayed, but I’ll be really honest, the outlook is not good. Her lengthy knowledge into Jason’s personal history and erratic behavior only signal more craziness to come. Can’t wait.

I have gone through the list several times and I don’t think I’ve missed anyone. However, if you happen to see an omission, please let me know. By the way, did you know that there was a girl named Treasure that got let go on the first episode? How in the world did I miss that?

All I know is that this season is sure to bring a lot of entertainment to the table. Between the close-ups of the Space Needle, shirtless Jason clips and the return of DeAnna, I don’t really know how to contain myself. All I know for sure is that my Monday nights are securely locked for the next few weeks and I hope you’ll join me with the recap.